In other situations, children of ambitious parents may develop a fear of not living up to their expectations, says Leff, whether or not they were overtly told they needed to. “I just had to go off and do my own thing for a while,” she says. So, she left New Zealand soon after high school and travelled the world before going to college abroad in Australia and France. Rose knew she needed to carve out her own path. And when strangers discovered who Rose was at high-school parties, “they would be like, ‘Oh my god, your mum!’.” “People would definitely come up to us in the supermarket or wherever,” says the brand strategist, who now lives in Lisbon, Portugal. Growing up in New Zealand, she often witnessed strangers fawn over her mum, who has a high-profile presence in the country’s culinary arts scene. “That might be because the parent draws more attention than they do, regardless of the situation,” says Morin. The kids of well-known or highly successful people may feel as if they’ll always be known as their parents’ child – rather than as themselves. As a result, many can struggle to “really find true agency, self-authority and wholeness”, says Alex Leff, a psychotherapist and relationship expert in New York City. Some of these kids feel like an extension of their carers, rather than separate individuals. Therapists explain there’s a wide spectrum of ways children might grow up feeling overshadowed by their parents.
For children of well-known parents, for instance, it can be hard to individuate themselves in the presence of a high-achieving parent, a child might never feel good enough regardless of their expectations and for kids of parents with towering personalities, developing a sense of self can be an uphill climb. And the effects can be prolific, say experts. For children whose carers take up a lot of space of their own, the effects of these – spoken or unspoken – pressures can be exacerbated.Īccording to psychologists, feeling the weight of parental influence is a common experience for the kids of all sorts of people: the wealthy, the notable, the successful and even those with larger-than-life temperaments. Because of that reliance, kids might suppress behaviours or personality traits to gain “more attention, affection and approval” from their parents. Children learn early on that they depend on their caregivers for survival, says Amy Morin, a psychotherapist in Florida, US, host of The Verywell Mind Podcast and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do. Of course, all kids are impacted by their parents. And writer Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of US politicians Bill and Hillary Clinton, has lamented being “ made fun of so much as a child” on talk shows.īut beyond those in the bright lights, there’s a whole world of children like Ryan, whose non-famous parents also cast large shadows over their lives. Colin Hanks, the actor son of Tom Hanks, said he struggled to be his own person. For instance, singer Willow Smith, the daughter of entertainers Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, has described growing up with famous parents as “ absolutely, excruciatingly terrible”. It’s often the offspring of the uber famous who come to mind when people think about what it means to live in a parent’s shadow. “My dad was really disappointed,” says Ryan. Breaking the news to his father was stressful. But when he started studying science in college, he realised medicine wasn’t a fit. For a long time, Ryan assumed he would follow his father’s example. Ryan’s dad had worked hard to give his children opportunities in the US, and he wanted them to make the most of them. His father, an immigrant and accomplished doctor, thought he should study medicine. The 25-year-old special-education administrator, who lives in Maryland, US, wanted to make a difference in the lives of children. When Ryan decided to study teaching, he knew his father would be upset.
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